This is what cancer looks like

**Note**
This post was started MONTHS ago. I kind of forgot about it but after seeing it here on my "unfinished list" it felt like I needed to still publish it.  It isn't finished. I have yet to tell you about chemo, or the "after-party" But I didn't want this to stay here another day. I want to get out into cyberspace.

What do you think of when you see or hear the word "cancer?" Do you picture someone old or young? Do you picture a man or a woman? You might imagine someone sick for weeks with unexplained weight-loss or bruises or blotchy skin. Perhaps you yourself have experienced a lump in your breast or a tumor somewhere else on your body.

Isn't that the perfect shirt to wear to the day of your cancer surgery?

In Apr 2019 my husband turned 50. Upon having his annual doctors physical, the doc mentioned to my husband that it was now time for him to have a colonoscopy. Being the rule follower that he is, my husband was very compliant and on Oct 30, we took him to the hospital to have the procedure completed.
Following the procedure the attending doc came to the recovery room and, without any fanfare or tiptoeing, said, "You are the exact reason why we want people to have these screenings. We found a mass.  It looks like cancer."

Cancer? Did he say cancer? Yes, yes he did. We went home and waited for pathology tests to come back.

Nov. 1st-our 28th wedding anniversary. We went to SLC for little anniversary celebration for the weekend. That afternoon, at around 5:00 pm, we received a phone call from the doctor. The tumor tested positive. We heard the words "colon cancer" "surgery" "life expectancy." Not a tear free anniversary, I can tell you.

Nov 6th--Our first visit with the specialist. When he walked into the room, Andy and I had been talking and laughing. I think it took the surgeon off guard. He talked to us for a moment, asked, "So, how are you feeling." "Fine" Andy said. "I ran four miles this morning!" Dr. Kim proceeded to explain about the mass that was found. It wasn't confusing information but I think we were a little bit in shock. "So, what they found last week; it was cancer?" my husband asks. "Yes" replied Dr. Kim "Most definitely"

Nov 21--surgery day. According to Dr. Kim, this surgery went as well as it possibly could. Aprrox 4 inches of Andy's sigmoid colon were removed, the reattachment from A to B went flawlessly and Andy was out of the hospital just over 24 hours later. 24 lymph nodes were also removed.
Those were off to pathology for testing and we waited some more.

Post op. He was pretty loop for several hours. That was a lot of fun!

So handsome, even dressed in hospital cotton!

Nov 28th--On this Thanksgiving day, our family walked a 5k together. Andy was just one week post surgery, but he walked the entire distance with us. It was a great day. We had much to be thankful for!

Lessons from Boston Marathon

I am a runner.
That phrase doesn't roll easily off my tongue. It has taken a long time for me to verbalize that; especially out loud, let alone on a blog! Why is it difficult for me to own up to this? Well, I don't fit a lot of the "typical" things about a runner; I am not "fast", I am not "small", I am not a "natural athlete".
So, what are some things that make me a runner:
I am determined
I am consistent
I work hard
I can move my legs and feet at a pace faster than I can walk
I watch the Boston Marathon


On Monday, Apr 16 2018, I spent a couple of hours watching The Boston Marathon on my little tablet. It is always so inspiring to watch. This year did not disappoint. The weather conditions were AWFUL! They were horrible for ANY occasion, let alone for an outdoor endurance sport. These runners slogged through torrential rain and wind. And the super fast runners still finished 26.2 in less time than it takes me to clean my bathroom. (I really don't like to clean my bathroom)

After the winner of the womens and mens races were announced, the professional coverage with commentators ended, what was left was the view from the finish line cam. I watched the view from that camera for over 30 minutes.
I was receiving text alerts about my friend Tammy who was running so I was partially watching the finish line, hoping to recognize her. As I watched though, I started noticing something;
Each person that crossed the finish line had their own personal victory. Many raised their arms over their head as they crossed.  Some nearly collapsed and were placed onto a wheelchair. Some held hands with the person they were with and hugged and kissed. I think all of them were relieved that it was over, elated that they had finished, and marveled at the experience and conditions they had just gone through to get to the finish line. They had finished! And in my experience from running, when you finish, you win!

It caused me to think of all of us and our personal race towards heaven.
When we cross the final finish line, we will likely have many of these same feeling. Because we worked hard, overcome many obstacles and "storms" that we didn't expect or plan for, and we've done something amazing.

I'm a runner because it teaches me so many important lessons about life and working hard.

I love learning these things on accident, because I do other things on purpose!

You Never Know

Have you ever had a thought come into your head and thought to do something a little out your normal pattern? Maybe to turn left instead or go straight. Maybe you thought to call a friend and then found out they were having a bad day and your call was just what they needed. While at the store, maybe you decided to buy an extra can of soup, and then discovered that your neighbor was sick and needed a meal, so you took them the soup. Maybe, just maybe, you've had a thought to go check ton your kids and then discovered that they were playing in peanut butter. No? Just me? Anyway, these little thoughts are known by different names; inspiration, prompting, conscious, Holy Spirit. For  the intent of this post, we'll call it light.

That light can come to us at any time. Usually its spontaneous and unexpected. We then have to decide what we are going to do with the light...use it and shine it on someone or something else, or ignore it, probably because it didn't shine bright enough.

Recently I had a conversation with someone who was in need of help; but help that I couldn't offer. I was over 2,000 miles away and truly unable to help this person at their time of need. Later that same day, I had a conversation with someone else who lives much closer to the first someone. The second someone actually knows the first someone and told me that they had a thought to go visit the first someone--but didn't.

Neither of the someones knew about each others conversations with me. When I learned that the second someone did not go and visit the first someone, even though they had the thought (light) to do so, I felt a little bit sad. The second someone said that the idea came, but it didn't stick around so they didn't think the idea was that important. (the light was there, but it wasn't very bright)

In the end, the first someone ended up getting help, but from a different source.

What this experience taught me is that you never know. You never know if the thought you get to visit, or buy that soup or make a call just might be the answer to someone else's prayer or hopeful wishing.

You never know.

Back to Basics

I've been using running as my main form of exercise for over six years now. For most of those six years I've run the majority of my miles all alone. I learned to like it that way. My "listening habits" have varied. Sometimes I listen to 80's music, sometimes it's show tunes. Other times it's a podcast. Much of the time I am simply listening to my breath and my own thoughts. During those first months of running, I learned to like listening to Christian pop music. Not for the tempo or beat, but for the uplifting lyrics. There's something therapeutic to me about positive, uplifting words pouring into my head while I am doing something that is hard but is building my mental and physical self.

Recently, after a couple of tough wife and mom days, I needed to take a break from my "new normal" of running with a partner. I headed out all by myself, headphones in my ears and no real plan of how far I would run or when I would return. It was during this run that I felt a connection to where it all began for me. On this particular day I ran alone, which I haven't done for weeks, and I listened to gospel pop music, which I haven't done in years. I felt humbled and connected back to my Heavenly Father as I ran outside and listened to words in my ears about being a daughter of God, and how I want Him to see me as beautiful. One song in particular, "Glorious", touched me to my very core. I've been floundering, for what feels like months, trying to find my place. I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend, but I've just felt like something has been missing and that I wasn't "doing it right." This song is a beautiful reminder that I can figure out my part if I keep trying and "listening". "Everyone plays a piece, and there are melodies in each one of us. It's glorious!"

I was so happy to learn this again, as I ran alone and with uplifting music, on purpose.

This is a view from my run. Who couldn't feel connected and peaceful with this?

Grateful List 2018

I've always been aware of being grateful, especially in our trials and suffering...that's harder, but still important.
The beginning of a new year often brings thoughts of creating new goals, resolutions, fresh starts, etc.
I've never been a huge goal setter, but I am a believer in setting intentions.
A few days ago I saw a video of a woman sharing the idea of writing down one thing, ONE THING, every day that you are grateful for. Being more specific than "a roof over my head", but really being grateful for something...even if the day has been "terrible and nothing good happened," there is still SOMETHING to be grateful for.
I've been thinking about this and am creating an intention to be grateful for one thing, every day in 2018. The biggest road block for me was where to write this list. I decided to do it here since this is a place I desire to be going more often anyway.

I realize that I will have to update this post every single day.
I realize that this post is for me, and not so much for you, the reader.
I hope that you may have a desire to be more grateful and that you can recognize the little things that come into your life and how they are meaningful to you.
I hope you, also, recognize blessings on accident, because you thought to be grateful on purpose,
because I'm sure that I will.

**Update: To prevent this single post from becoming F O R E V E R  L O N G, I've moved this post to a page; 
2018 Gratitude series. That is where the regular updates will appear.

Jan 1, 2018
--I am grateful for a husband who likes spending time with me, and WANTS to spend time with me. He isn't much of a talker, but likes to be with me. Even if we sit in silence, we are doing it together and that is enough.

Jan 2, 2018
--I am grateful for the ability to exercise...it helps me as much mentally as physically
--I am grateful that my daughter has brought home pizza from work twice in the past week. It has provided us with meals for lunch and dinners and has saved me from having to prepare dinner. And, it's delicious!
--I am grateful for hot chocolate! I almost always feel cold and sometimes when I cant stop shivering, a cup of hot chocolate warms me on the inside too.
--I am grateful for a husband who was willing to dance with me, even when he didn't really want to.
--I am grateful to be able to laugh with my husband. He's my favorite!

Jan 3, 2018
We woke up this morning to the news that our beloved prophet, and president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Thomas S. Monson, passed away last  night. He was 90 years old. I've been thinking of him all day. I never met him, but I've still been impacted by him.
--I am grateful for this man who lived, led and loved with kindness, generosity and sincerity. I learned today that when he donated a white shirt to a thrift store, he first washed the shirt, pressed and folded it, and added a tie; out of respect for the person who would receive it.  I learned that when he used a public restroom, he always wiped down the counter and sink area with a paper towel, to show respect for the next person who would use it.
--I am grateful for the knowledge of who the next President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints will be. You can read about that process here. We know how this process works and I'm grateful that it will be met with peace, and acceptance.

It's been awhile

I mentioned in a previous post that blogging is hard. My original intentions were to post weekly, and I was determined to not become "that page" that went unattended for weeks and months.  But, alas, life has happened and it's been over two months since I last wrote anything here.

Due to reasons that don't really matter to you, I have been spending some time rereading some of my previous posts.  And you know what I learned? I like what I wrote! I was able to reconnect with feelings and emotions. I was able to remember the events as they happened, and when I wrote about them. I reminded myself that I LIKE writing and blogging.  It's it's own sort of therapy for me and provides a type of documentation that I am not getting anywhere else.

When I was younger, before I married, I used to be quite good at writing in a journal, nearly every day. But when my "real life" started (getting married and having kids), my history/record keeping ceased. I may not need to log every moment of every day, but I love recording and then rereading the little blips of life that have helped me to evolve and develop into the woman that I am becoming.

I learned this on accident, because I reread my blog on purpose!

What do you do to record your personal and family history?

Choices are important

One spring morning, while on a run, I noticed a large caterpillar crossing the road.  I was running on the left side of the street, and it was crossing from right to left.  How brave of that caterpillar to have left the safety of his grass and leaves and flowers to trudge across the barren, hot wasteland of the black topped road.  It didn't get run over, or stepped on, and knew where it was heading. (I'm sure his instinct told him exactly where to go...and why)  I thought for a split second about picking him up and "helping' him finish this part of his journey.  Then flashed through my mind the images of stories I've heard how it is actually detrimental to the strength and survival of the creature trying to get where it needs to be, to "help them."  The simple act of me picking up the caterpillar and removing him from his course and then placing him on a new section of a path would have been disorienting to this creature, at best.

 I thought for a second, as I was trudging along, how I would feel if someone came and plucked me up, in mid stride, and placed me on another part of the road further ahead.  Would I feel helped? No! I would have felt gipped out of the effort that I was putting in.  I would have felt a little put out that someone thought they knew better than I about what I could handle.  Just because, to you, I may have looked like I was struggling to get my breath or fighting for every step, doesn't mean that I was not capable of getting myself down the road, thank-you very much!

Awhile later, nearing the end of my run, I saw a man mowing his lawn using a riding mower. "Wouldn't it be fun" I thought, "if I could jump on and ride a little ways with him on that mower?"  Not because I couldn't finish my run, I just thought a ride on that tractor seemed like fun.

I instantly flashed back to that caterpillar.  What was the difference between someone else picking me up and putting me on a different place on the road an me riding on the mower? Both would have relieved me of some effort. One was MY CHOICE.  The other, was not.

How important are the choices that we make?  Is my instinct telling me where to go...and why? Am I following that natural instinct or allowing others to direct my path and influence my choices? I will continue to ponder these questions for a long time.

I learned this on accident, because I thought about that caterpillar on purpose.